I’ve been sitting on what I’m about to say for a long time, and in the past few days it has been pleading to be let out. This is because, whether I’m online, scrolling through social media, or offline, talking to people face to face, I’m increasingly hearing the same things:
“You’re just suffering because you’re such an empathetic person.” (As though empathy was a superpower reserved for the elect.)
“I know how this sounds but maybe you should just take a break from the news. I haven’t kept up with the news in a couple of weeks and it’s done wonders for my mental health.”
“I understand why you’re so anxious but you mustn’t allow the suffering to take over.”
“I admit I’m not that well informed about what’s going on but that doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
“There’s nothing we can do about it, so there’s no point in allowing ourselves to get overwhelmed.”
And so on and so on, many variations on the same theme, and frankly I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it because I deeply disagree with the premise, such as I see it. And what I see is this:
That toxic positivity culture has taken over – at least here, in these “Western countries”.
That all forms and states of anxiety, depression, anger, grief are treated as disease, regardless of the actual context in which they happen and what brought them on. They are treated as something that needs to be fixed immediately. We must not allow ourselves to “wallow in our feelings” or else. Or else what?
That people have become unable to sit with discomfort, with doubt, with fear, to look these emotions in the face and speak to them.
That people are equating self-doubt with self-questioning, that they are unable to hold the weight of questioning their own decisions, their place in the world in a way that doesn’t feel overwhelming.
In short, that people are unable to hold complicated, maybe even contradictory feelings at the same time.
Here’s what: when you’re someone who is reading the headlines from the comfort of your own home, when you’re someone who gets to choose whether to read the headlines at all because your safety and that of your loved ones doesn’t depend on being minutely informed, then joy is only an act of resistance if you’re able to hold it at the same time as grief, as anger. Joy is only an act of resistance when built on community and communion.
I’m not a fan of suffering for no reason, not an adept of the “turn the other cheek” philosophy. But I’ll say this: it is normal to suffer because someone else is suffering. It is normal to suffer because much is wrong in the world. It is normal to feel depressed, alienated, and anxious. Why does the notion of suffering make you so uncomfortable? Why do you reject it? You are safe. Your life is (still, for the most part) carrying on as usual. It’s OK to feel uncomfortable about that. It’s OK to feel your heart break when you read the news. It’s OK read the news and yes, even to “doomscroll”. It’s normal to obsess over something that other don’t have the choice to avoid. That’s what it means to be human.
And what if we thought of joy differently? Joy doesn’t have to be unbounded euphoria. Joy can be the ache that you feel when you’ve succeeded in something you’ve been working on for a long time while grieving because a girl somewhere doesn’t get to be and stay in school, doesn’t get to live her life, will never get a fraction of your opportunities. Joy doesn’t have to be mindless. Joy doesn’t have to be despite the circumstances, it can be within them. It doesn’t have to be without grief, it can be with it.
And vice versa: from the safety of your cushioned life, you can afford to grieve while holding joy that you get to see your loved one healthy and prospering.
Here’s another thing: if we are so unable to suffer for and about things that don’t (seemingly) directly affect us without crumbling, if we’re so unable to allow ourselves to feel deeply anxious and depressed because of what we we are witnessing in the world without falling to pieces, then how have we become so fragile? Why are we so fragile despite having relative peace, comfort, space, freedom of choice?
I see things differently: depression, anxiety, suffering because others are suffering are the feelings that should spur us into action. Discomfort will not kill you. Discomfort at allowing yourself to witness the realities of others is not the same thing as the bomb falling on someone’s home somewhere or on someone’s school.
And yes, you are allowed to feel many contradictory feelings at the same time. You can hold them, trust me.
Please stop telling others there’s nothing they can do so there’s no point in feeling so down. Let them be the judge of that. Stop assuming that anxiety always brings with it a sense of paralysis. If you find yourself turning away from the news for a while because that’s what you need, fine, you do what you need to do; but maybe keep that to yourself, and definitely stop selling it as a recipe for mental health management. Ignorance is bliss until it isn’t. And you know what, maybe do suffer a little, how about that?
Encyclopaedia Vanitatum 